Attack of the Mary Sues
by next- world domination
Summary: What happens when an army of Mary Sues bewitch the general population of Hogwarts into falling in love with them and cause other catastrophes? Now it’s up to the teachers to save the wizarding world… Can they do it with Dumbledore and Harry acting idiotic
1. Default Chapter

Attack of the Mary Sues 

Summary: What happens when an army of Mary Sues bewitch the general population of Hogwarts into falling in love with them and cause other catastrophes? Now it's up to the teachers to save the wizarding world… But can they do it with Dumbledore and Harry acting like total idiots?

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. All bow before her. I own nothing.

Also, I'm not making fun of the Harry Potter books or JK Rowling in any way. I completely worship the woman. Neither am I making fun of any specific author, just Mary Sues in general.

* * *

Harry woke up at the stroke of midnight on July 31st. This was for no particular reason other then that Harry is always awake and watching a clock on his birthday, though it is doubtful that Harry was even born at exactly midnight.

(A/N: Has anybody else realized this? Sorry, back to the story.)

At about 12:01 he began to reflect his entire life up to this point, his 16th birthday. Harry needed to remind himself that a) he was not a normal boy because he was an orphaned wizard b) he went to Hogwarts, a magical school where he was assaulted by the evil Lord Voldemort once a year and c) it was time for him to feel great remorse over the recent death of his godfather Sirius.

So Harry proceeded to do just that. A few hours later, he was interrupted by a loud tapping at his window.

Harry was also very paranoid because Voldemort was back (see 'b)' above). He immediately pulled out his wand and headed to the window cautiously.

"Who's there?" he demanded. "Show yourself! I KNOW IT'S YOU, VOLDEMORT!!!" Harry was now bordering on hysteria.

"Calm down, Harry! It's me, Ron." Ron's freckled face was in plain view. "I've come with Dad to get you to 12 Grimmauld Place in another flying car that the author doesn't wish to describe because she knows nothing about cars!" Harry saw Mr. Weasley wave and smack Ron on the head for being so clueless as to speak the place out loud.

Feeling rather foolish, Harry blushed. Oops. "But I never leave the Dursleys' house in the same way twice. And you've already used a flying car, in our second year, remember?"

Ron looked dismayed. "Oh, yeah… Bye then. I'll see you after the author finds a new way to get you out." The car sped away.

He felt disappointment for a second, then:

"HEY! YOU FORGOT TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Ron must have had pretty good ears, because the distant cry of "Happy Birthday" floated back to him.

* * *

A little while later, in the early hours of the dawn, another tapping came from the window.

Harry again sprang off his bed and ran to the window. This time, he saw a stern, bespectacled face peering in at him. It was the face of Professor McGonagall.

He fumbled around for a bit, trying to open the window, but failed to do it quickly enough for her liking- McGonagall rolled her eyes impatiently and used her wand to open it. Then she slipped inside in as dignified a way someone could.

"Potter, Dumbledore sent me to retrieve you. Seems Arthur Weasley got to your house and realized the flying car method has been used before. We couldn't have that, so" -and she pulled out a piece of parchment- "we are using a Portkey."

Harry frowned. "Professor McGonagall?"

"Yes?" she said impatiently.

"Er, how do I know you aren't Vol- You-Know-Who in disguise, ready to murder me?"

"Because, Mr. Potter," she said as if explaining something to a very slow person, "You-Know-Who always comes at the end of the year. If he killed you off at the beginning, that would be the end of the book. "

"Oh..." That made sense to him.

Professor McGonagall sighed to herself. Why did she always have to get the assignments with stupid people? She resolved to bring this up at the next Order meeting.

"Do I still have people following me around?"

"Yes. They're invisible. Now stop asking stupid questions and pack up," she said shortly.

Harry did so, messily, but he was soon finished. He also grabbed Hedwig in her cage.

McGonagall produced a letter from her robes and put it on Harry's bed.

"Ready?"

"Yes."

They both touched the parchment and disappeared from 4 Privet Drive.

* * *

Well? Does it suck? Tell me… in a REVIEW!!! 


	2. They Arrive, Cue Dramatic Music

HI!! Did you guys hear when the Half- Blood Prince was coming out? My friend called me about it minutes after I finished the first chapter. It will be out on: JULY 16, 2005!

Thanks to:

Princess- Perfect: MY FIRST REVIEWER! gives hugThank you so much! Yes, I'm probably going to put in the whole entering-the-Forbidden-Forest-despite-the-fact-it's-forbidden thing. I'll put in as many clichés as I can think of too. Thanks again for your WONDERFUL, KIND, HELPFUL review!!!

Inspiration1111: You question my upbringing methods?? raised eyebrows

But I am the very PICTURE of sanity! REALLY! Hehe. Thanks!

Unbeknownst: Thank you. I just find Mary Sues so amusing. And there are a lot of unlikely repeated incidents in the books, so yeah, I thought they they'd be fun to point out. Thank you again!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this computer and some chocolate. 2 minutes later- I now own just a computer.

* * *

Harry felt the tug of the portkey, and the next thing he knew, he was kneeling on the floor in 12 Grimmauld Place. The place wasn't nearly as dusty and dark as it had been last year. He noted that the portrait of Mrs. Black had been removed. In its place was a framed photo of Sirius, before Azkaban.

After several pangs of sorrow (he had forgotten to finish mourning earlier and now did it for an extra long period of time), Harry looked up and saw Ron and Hermione.

He wasn't surprised to see Hermione there. She always spent most of the summer with the Weasleys, there was no reason for this one to be any different. It certainly shouldn't have bothered her parents that Hermione spent nearly ten months of the year at Hogwarts and another month with the Weasleys.

(A/N: I hope you can tell I'm not being serious. But how exactly do Hermione's parents feel about her living with them for only one month a year?)

Ron hadn't changed since he last saw him five hours ago.

And then Harry talked to Ron, Harry talked to Hermione, and they lived at 12 Grimmauld Place for another month happily, blah blah blah. Then the three of them went to King's Cross Station and went to Hogwarts, Hermione and Ron are the Prefects, they've reached the Great Hall, the First Years have been sorted, Dumbledore is about to make his announcement.

* * *

Dumbledore cleared his throat, and the Great Hall fell silent.

"Welcome once again, Hogwarts students. We will eat soon, but I have some

announcements to make first." Clearly Dumbledore didn't realize that by the way the hall had fallen silent they all recognized that he was about to make an announcement.

"First, I would like to introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: Professor Nymphadora Tonks!"

Harry clapped; this was not new to him. Tonks had informed them of this over the summer since she was always dropping by for Order meetings.

"Secondly, this year, we will be joined by a number of sixth and seventh year American foreign exchange students from the, erm, Mary Smith School of Sorcery. We don't know how long they will be staying here yet, but I'm sure you will do your best to welcome them."

Harry frowned and turned to Hermione, who was staring glassy-eyed at Dumbledore and memorizing his every word. "Why do you think we've suddenly got a bunch of foreign exchange students? We've never had any before."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "There _have _been foreign exchange students at Hogwarts before. Just not for years, since the last time they did have them the students actually turned out to be spies for the Russian Ministry of Magic in disguise. The foreign exchange student thing has never turned out well. I've never heard of Mary Smith, though. I must have skipped a section in my book… I'll have to look it up later. Now be quiet. I'm missing part of his speech!"

"… And here they are!"

The doors burst open dramatically, but even as they did, there seemed to be a faint scent of flowers and vanilla drifting through the air. Then the first one appeared…

A girl about 16 years old glided in, and not in that creepy way Snape did. She almost seemed to be floating as she headed to the stool.

"Artemis Rianne Kaelyn Riddle Leureaux!"

Harry and Ron blinked at the name Riddle, but Hermione shook her head impatiently. "Riddle is a very common name, she's probably Muggle-born. Besides, they're from the _United States_."

The girl was gorgeous, with a slender, curvy figure and tanned complexion. Her eyes were large and like amethysts, framed by long dark lashes and alight with curiosity and wisdom. Her hair was blacker than midnight and fell to her waist in smooth, shining waves and curlicues. All of Hogwarts was silent, transfixed by her incredible beauty and how she seemed to be completely oblivious to it.

She gracefully picked up the hat, gracefully sat on the stool, and gracefully dropped the Sorting Hat over her raven-colored tresses. Artemis Rianne Kaelyn Riddle Leureaux was beautiful even when you couldn't see her head.

The hall waited in silence for the verdict. After a while, the hat shouted: "GRYFFINDOR!" Artemis Leureaux daintily set the hat back down on the stool. Her smile showed a perfect mouth of straight teeth. They were so blindingly white the flash scared some of the first years and they began to cry. But Artemis quickly fixed this by pulling a bulging bag of chocolate frogs from her robes and tossing them to the crying people. They immediately stopped and she stuffed the bag back into her pocket, though of course there was no visible lump.

The Gryffindor table was wild with enthusiasm, and the clapping was almost deafening. The other houses looked somewhat disappointed but still applauded her loudly.

Artemis approached Harry and his friends. "Hello," she said shyly. Her voice didn't have an American accent. It was musical and had a lilting tone like an angel's harp. "Is there anyone sitting here?" She pointed at the empty seat next to Harry.

"Yeah," he said, mesmerized by her beautiful voice and face. She was even prettier close up. "I mean, no, go on." She sat next to him. Dean and Seamus both scooted closer to them. Parvati and Lavender looked as though they couldn't decide whether to be jealous or awed.

"Fiona Leila Tamerin!" (A/N: Just so you know, I'm not going by alphabetical order.)

Another girl walked in, also gracefully.

She was stunningly beautiful too (surprise, surprise). Her eyes were a sparkling hazel, and they were at the current moment glancing around the room. When her eyes reached Harry, they widened for a second. Harry thought she looked familiar, but he dismissed it. There was no way he could have ever met her before. The girl had shoulder-length auburn hair that gleamed as if with the light of a thousand fires. Even Ginny looked impressed.

Ron poked him. "Look," he said in disgust, "Malfoy's staring at her! He fancies her!"

Harry turned; it was true that Malfoy was leering at her, but wasn't every other guy in the room? He shuddered anyway. This satisfied Ron, and they heard the hat call out, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Again, the room burst into earsplitting applause, again, loudest at the Gryffindor table. Ron was especially loud in showing his appreciation. Seamus and Dean looked thrilled that another beautiful girl was joining them.

Fiona Tamerin sat across from Artemis. They both grinned at each other.

"I knew we'd be in the same house! I wasn't at all worried once you were sorted. Gryffindor is supposed to be the house of bravery. I read it in _Hogwarts, a History_."

Hermione gasped in astonishment. "You've read it too? Isn't it the _best_?"

Fiona shrugged. "I'm hardly an expert, I've barely skimmed it. It _is_ excellent though."

Hermione nodded, dazed that she wasn't the only one who had read it.

As more names were called out, more almost unnaturally beautiful girls about Harry's age walked in. They all had silky rich mahogany brown/golden as the sunlight/midnight black/flaming scarlet hair in flowing sheets/cascading curls. Their eyes were like glowing sapphires/emeralds/amethysts/icy diamonds/onyx. They all wore the hat for particularly long periods of time, but the hat always ended up yelling, "GRYFFINDOR!" As Artemis put it, maybe they all had the knowledge of Ravenclaw, the ambition of Slytherin, and were as hard working as Hufflepuff, but their bravery and overall goodness surpassed all the others, therefore they were put in Gryffindor.

"Wow," Neville said admiringly, "You're so smart!"

Artemis smiled modestly.

None of the students noticed Snape's expression of horror and disgust increasing with each name. Dumbledore didn't seem to notice and ended up having to conjure about 20 extra chairs- at least 15 girls had arrived after Fiona.

By the time they had finished, the other houses looked very disgruntled.

Snape's left eye was twitching. So many Gryffindors… Was the hat rigged?!

McGonagall was suspicious. Why were all these people so perfect-looking? Why were they all in Gryffindor? _What was going on? _

* * *

Yeah… This story is going to be concentrated on the Mary Sues, so I made Tonks the Defense the Dark Arts teacher. I didn't bother creating a new character because I'm lazy.

So anyway, I've got a bunch of ideas for whom the Mary Sues are going to include… Voldemort's daughter, Harry's long-lost twin, Sirius's long-lost daughter, Draco Malfoy's long-lost twin/cousin/other relation, Snape's long-lost daughter, and maybe Dumbledore's great-great something or other… There are going to be about 20 of them.

Reviews would be very much appreciated.


	3. Of Conjuring and Quidditch Tryouts

I1'm sorry… I don't even have an excuse for the 3½ months of absence, resulting in this awful chapter.

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would not be sitting in school for 6 hours every day. I would be in a CASTLE in SCOTLAND. And, well, I'm not. So don't sue.

* * *

Harry and Ron sat in their usual spots at the Gryffindor table, yawning. Well, Ron tried to, but Artemis Rianne Kaelyn Riddle Leureaux was already in his seat.

"Er," Ron cleared his throat. "That's, um, where I usually sit. But it's ok, you can stay there if you want! I'll, uh…" Ron hastily added as she made to get up. "I'll just sit right here." He mumbled, parking himself across from Harry…and next to Fiona Leila Tamerin.

Fiona smiled at Ron, and his ears flushed red-hot. "We got our schedules… You're Ron, right? Here." She handed him a sheet of parchment. "This one's yours, Harry." She passed him another sheet of parchment.

Hermione was already sitting next to Harry and looking over her schedule, frowning.

"I need to talk to Professor McGonagall." With that she hurried off. They watched her whisper something briefly to the professor and then the two of them left the room.

"Bet she's taking too many classes and needs a time-turner again," Ron whispered in Harry's ear.

Harry didn't say anything, but he sent Ron a furious glare telling him to be quiet. For Ron was rather loud even when he whispered and both Fiona and Artemis were looking at them curiously.

Hermione returned for their first class of the year, Charms. Professor Flitwick was explaining the complexity of Confundus charms. All of their new students were listening raptly, eyes fixed on the diminutive teacher. All but one's.

The girl had long, shiny black hair that fell into her face elegantly. Her eyes were a stormy grey. Harry couldn't help but think she looked very familiar, like someone he had once known. She looked bored, but very beautiful and rather proud. However, her eyes sparkled with good humor and mischievousness.

The girl's name was Auriga Queary-Black, Harry later learned. He was also surprised by her last name, but figured that as Black was also a common name there was no way she could be related to Sirius.

Harry dismissed all thought that the grey eyes and black hair might've meant something. Sirius had never mentioned being married or having a daughter.

He also noticed one student bore an uncanny resemblance to Malfoy. Harry recalled watching Malfoy's mouth fall open in shock and his icy eyes widen at seeing her last night. They shared the same platinum hair, icy eyes and pale skin, though the girl had been a lot prettier than Malfoy was. Harry grimaced at the thought of Malfoy being pretty in any way.

* * *

During Transfiguration, McGonagall eyed the 20 new students warily.

She had been observing the students for half an hour and was slightly unnerved by their perfect posture, attentiveness, and they were all very pretty. It was unnatural. One girl looked rather like Lily Evans, actually. She had bright auburn hair, but her eyes were hazel… like James Potter's. What was her name? Faith? Fauna? Fiona. That was it. She noticed that both Weasley and Malfoy had been staring at her and drooling through most of the class so far. McGonagall took points from both Gryffindor and Slytherin for not paying attention, but then gave them each one point for managing to create small lakes of drool. It was quite impressive.

Another girl seemed to be part faery or something. She had ears that were a little pointed at the tips, her eyes were huge and her feet small. She was short and had long silvery hair and eyes that shone like the moonlight. She might have been a Veela, for all the hormonal boys often stared her at during classes. But that might have been because of the odd silvery tail poking out through a hole in her robes and what seemed to be a long, sparkling horn protruding from her head…

They were beginning Conjuring spells in the class. For reasons unknown, Dumbledore had insisted upon allowing all the Mary Smith students (McGonagall had researched American wizarding schools the night before and had found absolutely nothing on this "Mary Smith" school. Not to mention she had never heard of Mary Smith, who she supposed was some famous witch the school had been named after) in the advanced class.

McGonagall soon found that the advanced class would be more than suitable. The assignment was simple: the goal was to conjure a simple pebble. But everyone was having a difficulty doing this.

By the end of the period, only the foreign exchange students had successfully completed this- actually, they exceeded her expectations by managing to create small gemstones. Amethyst for Artemis (like her eyes, McGonagall noted), diamonds for the Malfoy look-alike, emeralds for the Fiona person.

Well, only they and Hermione Granger, but no surprise there.

* * *

Katie Bell was the new quidditch captain this year. Fred, George, Angelina and Alicia had all left, leaving four positions to be filled: two Chasers and two Beaters (Kirke and Sloper had both quit the team; Harry suspected it was due to their incredible embarrassment after the fiascos last year). Of course Harry was Seeker again.

Ginny Weasley tried out for Chaser and got the position, to no one's astonishment. However, everyone was extremely impressed by the incredible athletic ability that Artemis Rianne Kaelyn Riddle Leureaux, Fiona Leila Tamerin, and Auriga Queary-Black possessed.

Artemis and Auriga both tried out for Beater, and they were so good their moves rivaled those that Harry had seen during the Quidditch World Cup. Fiona tried out for Chaser along with Ginny. She was also very good- her flying rivaled Harry's, and he vaguely remembered his father had been an excellent Chaser, according to Sirius. Harry doubted James had been any better than Fiona. Afterwards, Harry hurried up to Fiona.

"Where did you learn to fly so well?" Harry asked in awe.

Fiona shrugged. "Well, everyone says I got my flying ability from my dad," -and here she looked at him meaningfully- "but I was never taught to play quidditch. I guess it's natural."

Harry nodded. But her words and the odd look she had given him stuck in his mind. What had she meant when she looked at him like that? A strange notion came to him. But he quickly pushed it down- there was no way it could be possible.

* * *

So there you have it. Don't sue, flame if you like but it's just a parody (and an awful one at that). Thanks to my reviewers (heh, I'm too lazy to type them out now but I'll acknowledge you guys in the next chapter- I promise)! 


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